Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize