So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
