My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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