I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
NoShamevember. You game?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize