plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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