I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
