Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
