he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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