Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
