lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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