everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
