im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize