I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
