those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
