just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
