went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
