It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We left the knife in your bed.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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