This girl is more easily done than said...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
