pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
