I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
40s are totally the cure
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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