Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
