I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
