Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
