my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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