Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
