I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize