so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
