Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
