I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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