if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
