i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
