He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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