My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize