if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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