Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
