I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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