Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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