I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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