I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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