this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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