i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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