Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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