just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
