Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
