Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
