I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
