My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Randomize
