She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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