I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize