my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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