Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
