i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
