Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
