My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
