She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
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