I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
