So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
