I hate your face
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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