i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize