Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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