Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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